“And if you go, so will Mutti Frida, and my mother is not enough.” Tears started down my cheeks, loosed by the ineffable sadness suffusing me.I saw Col stiffen. “You were going to ... to kill yourself, weren’t you?”I couldn’t look at him.“Because I have another friend?”I could hear the anger building in his voice.“A person can have more than one friend. How can you be so stupid, so ... so selfish?” He looked at me, his expression changing. “If that’s who you are, I’m not sure that I want you as a friend.” He stood up, anger suffusing his face. “Here’s your knife, then. Get on with it.”He tossed the knife on the ground at my feet and stormed off towards his house.I leaned back against the tree, eyes closed and my old brain started berating me. God, I was being unbelievably selfish – and now I had probably destroyed my friendship with Col. I clasped my arms around my calves and bent forward, resting my head on my knees.I had no idea what to do. I wanted to go after Col, but I was so. Sex was another domestic routine, a chore for his horny rush. I didn't care. It was duty booty. I accepted his need, was pleased he wanted me, was happy to give it but just didn’t feel sexy. If aroused I had to get mine on top first but usually was too tired and laid back and let him have it, pleased he wanted it.As the kids grew out of diapers and choo-choo train baby talk ended, however, we began to emerge from our marriage shell and rejoin peers, at least on weekends. Most were still single, partying and sexually experimenting with the new Age of Aquarius. They avoided career, house and kid commitments and considered us bogged down. We were bogged down but happy ever after-ing in our little Camelot.In the summer of 1974, six years after our wedding bells pealed, just before the kids entered preschool and kindergarten, we made a second trip to Disneyland for the kids, not us. We flew, not drove, rented a car at the airport, stayed and ate in the Disney Hotel and took the monorail.
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